Finally, I am sitting down to write this post at 22.37. At several points during the day, I’ve thought ‘I really want to write about perceptions of time and seeming lack of it’ but on each occasion, I’ve been distracted or way-laid by something else that appeared more pressing at that moment. This situation – a strong desire to do one thing but continually being crowded out by other pressures and demands – feels like the story of my life at the minute. My mind is so swirling with ideas and plans and possibilities that I sometimes feel physically dizzy, but other more immediate concerns (namely the need to earn some money but also bits of work related to my PhD and other positions) seem to take over. I’m beginning to wonder when I found the time to squeeze my thesis in. Both life’s necessities and my own desires are crowding in on me, so I feel that I just have no time to do what I really need to do at this moment: pause and reflect on what I want to do with the rest of my life. I am at a point where I have a huge freedom to choose and perhaps more clarity over my personal ambitions than ever before, but moving from a general sense of a ‘calling’ to a more concrete idea about what direction to move in requires much more thought. Finding time between necessities and desires to undertake that kind of deep introspection is proving difficult, despite not obviously ‘working’ at the minute.
So what have I done with my day?
1) I admit that I wasn’t exactly up with the lark this morning. I got up at about 9am as my mind is racing so much that I’m struggling to nod off at night.
2) I spent about an hour watching Peppa Pig and dancing with my niece. Not strictly necessary but amazing fun, especially when I was copying how the characters in Peppa Pig lie down on the floor when they’re laughing and my niece dived on me and started doing her interpretation of tickling.
3) Checked my emails and followed up some stuff on the journal that I hold a position on (see previous post).
4) Applied for two temp jobs. I’ve been applying for various temp jobs – to no avail so far as I suspect my admin experience is a bit out of date compared to probable candidates also applying for these posts. And while I’m applying for them because I could do with the money, part of me also feels that these jobs will only add to the sense that I haven’t any time to stop and think about my future in bigger terms. Due to this, I’ve been trying to apply only for the proper short-term posts, like the ones that specify two weeks only.
5) Went to a meeting for an event I’m involved in linked to International Women’s Day next March. Only took about an hour but was really productive. I love working on events and community project type things. When I had my breakdown, I realized that I lacked any sense of belonging to and contributing to a community and this was a major absence that I wanted to change. Now, I hope that the enjoyment I get from such things will also give me clues for the future.
6) Went to the Quaker meeting house to meet with a builder about alterations to the gents toilets. It’s not every Thursday afternoon that you spend 30 minutes stood in a men’s loo with a total stranger! I also managed to clear a shelf to store some bits on, which gave me a huge sense of achievement as I’d been meaning to do this for a few weeks and – yet again – just hadn’t found the time.
7) Covered for someone who was ill at the ‘talking newspaper’ that I help out with. As always, it was lovely to indulge in my perhaps slightly bizarre fantasy that I am in fact a 1950s BBC newsreader. Also did a bit a more on the post-production side of things than normal, which led to one of those glorious moments where you just stop and think ‘Wow, how amazing is technology!’. Again, I enjoy this activity so much that I think it’s something that I need to look at in more detail: why and what exactly do I like about it? This might give me more clues.
8) There are lots of other bits and pieces that have happened today – such as meals and another spot of CBeebies goodness – but the one other main task was packing my weekend bag. Tomorrow, I am off on a two-day spiritual course, like a retreat type thing. My bag is all packed up and I am so excited about it. As I’m away on this course, it will probably mean that I won’t have time to blog again until Monday. At the same time, the course hopefully means that I will have time to stop and pause and reflect. Despite being too busy all week, this weekend I will find the time.